Saturday, August 25, 2018

Opening up

Sometimes I wonder why I write. I know it is part a coping tactic, a way for me to deal with the many issues I am trying to work through. But the longer I write, and the different books and characters I create, I start to realize it gives me a way to understand suffering.

I'm not sure how to explain this, it is something I am just beginning to understand, and realized it even more today when I opened up my book to edit and scanned a few pages.

In the book Jared confronts Adam, asking him how long he plans to hide his pain, if he is going to hide it until it destroys him and everyone he loves.

I realized I have been dealing with everything the same way Adam has. By hiding it and just pushing through each day. But I am reaching a breaking point, where I don't want to go on.

I am often ashamed of myself for feeling like I want to give up and therefore have kept it a secret for many years. After a really rough month it hit me how I bottled everything up until I broke and how I would never get better if I didn't start to let some of it out. This realization also helped because I had a friend encouraging me to stop keeping everything to myself.

I still haven't reached the point of being open, but I have been journaling my thoughts and for me that is a huge step. To admit to myself I have these problems is new for me and difficult. It also helps that I have such a loving, understanding best friend who has promised over and over to always be at my side.

The point of this post, I suppose, is to take advice I struggle taking. If you are going through something terrible, don't hide it away, reach out for help, be open, and let others in. Even if you're like me and have terrible trust issues.

Sunday, January 14, 2018



I pulled out my book last night and realized I feel ready to share it. So I am looking for one or two beta readers. Is anyone interested? It is the Through a Glass Darkly book.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Bring me Giants

I was talking to my mom the other day when she mentioned something about facing my giants. It made me think of a song sung by James Barbor called Bring me Giants. It seemed to fit me better than just facing giants. I want my giants brought to me so I can fight them and finally be freed from them.

Friday, April 28, 2017


Victoria, who blogs at the Endless Oceans of my Mind, left a comment inquiring as to where I disappeared to. It was that comment which made me realize just how long its been since I've posted..

Things have been hard for me lately. Of course all of it feels like old struggles. Waking up after a restless night of nightmares, going to work feeling exhausted, coming home and not feeling like doing anything because of the depression and being tired. My nightmares have steadily gotten worse over the last few months and because of the lack of sleep my depression has worsened. Hence the reason I haven't been blogging as much as I was. Or writing. Or drawing. Or doing anything I like to do, even going on walks with my faithful little dog.

Though I know God is in control of my life and future I can't help but feel discouraged sometimes. I went to the doctor again and there are no other medication options to try for the nightmares. The only one left was originally made as a blood pressure medication, but since my blood pressure is on the low side of normal it would drop it too low and therefore we can't risk trying it. News like that is not the most comforting thing I could be given.

I've been trying other methods to sleep. I worked hard on getting my little flat to feel welcoming and like home. I bought lavender nightlights and set them up around so that when I wake up I will be able to see my flat and know I am safe - also lavender is suppose to help relax. I listen to soothing music all night long, pray before I sleep, and have opened up more about my sleep problems and asked for prayer with my Bible study group.

So far nothing has worked. I've still been determined to trust God though. Somehow I know I will make it through this. I know He can cure me, or help me face each new day wit the strength I need to get through.

I plan to start posting more though. And I am making progress on my Through A Glass Darkly story. I am nervous about it and not sure how I feel sharing it with everyone, but I know there's a reason what happened to me did and one reason I believe is to encourage and help others. And I believe this book and blog are the first steps I can take in that direction.

Sunday, October 2, 2016


I'm not healing fast enough.

I'm too sad.

I should be better.

I am annoying.

No one can possibly love me.

These are all things which go round and round my head, they have for years, only they have gotten worse since moving from home. Now new problems have come up, which have knocked me back into depression, and made me even more confused that ever before. I feel that I am healing too slowly, that everyone hates me, that I am alone and lost and will never belong with anyone.

Part of this is because I have been thrust into a new trust position, with a guy. To trust even my best friend, who is a girl, can be hard for me at times. But to trust a guy is next to impossible. It is scary, foreign, and sometimes makes me want to hide in a turtle shell. 

Between that and new family problems, life has been rough and left me feeling like mush. I don't want to go on some days and if I didn't have to go into work I wouldn't - also if I didn't have such an energetic dog I wouldn't leave my house at all.

I don't know what the answer is to all these lies, other than I know I have to try and continue to fight them, It is a long, hard battle and sometimes there seems no end in sight though I know that isn't true.

Monday, August 15, 2016


It is hard to talk about PTSD. Not only because it means talking about painful pasts, but because it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. (Not that those who have it want the whole world to experience it so they know how they feel.)

When talking about it to others I say I feel on edge and jittery. But it is so much more than that. I have found others to put into words what even I cannot.

It is hard to understand for me, even though I have it. But it isn't the over glorified thing it seems to have become. It is dark and hard and sad and makes coping with normal life almost impossible. 

Sunday, July 17, 2016


As you can see I've added new pages at the top. I am continuing to work on them but I thought I would give a brief explanation.

First is the page called Through a Glass Darkly which is a fictional story I am working on about a soldier and a sexual abuse survivor who both suffer PTSD and form a friendship in which they are able to help each other through their struggles. There are some reasons behind this book and one explains another page.

One reason is my therapist thinks it would help me a lot to write down my story. To get it all on paper so that I can see it in written words and maybe doing so will help with my non stop nightmares. However it is very hard for me to write my own story, therefore I am starting with a fictional story much like my to help me get the idea and feel and prepare myself for my story.

Second is because of a tentative goal I have planned. I want to publish the book and use all funds to help others who were in my position but didn't have the means or money to leave. This is something I am working on right now and have no definite idea of how it will work. But I am praying hard. 

This brings me to the last page on my list, the one for helpful information and my long term plan. It is just a page where I will post things which have helped me and also explain my plan in more detail once I have that detail.

The forth page, Bird with a Broken Wing, is the title of the book in which I am writing my story. I have a page done, but  it is going slow and I've set no end date yet. I just write when I can, what I can. For now it is the best I can do.

That explains all the new pages. I kept up the old ones, My Story and Behind the Title. I am hoping all these new pages, and this blog, will be a comfort and help to those struggling through life.