Tuesday, December 11, 2018


Just some ideas I have about how to find amounts of joy in each day.

Wake up early enough to enjoy a few moments of snuggling in bed.

A nice breakfast.

Calm mornings before work.

Read the Bible and maybe a devotional.

Go on a walk.

Drink water.

Have a nice lunch with fruit.

Listen to soothing music.

Make your bed.

Have a clean house to come home to.

Prepare a nice dinner with veggies.

Pray throughout the day.

Say hi to a friend.

Even if sleep is hard, try to rest by watching something or reading while curled up with a nice, fuzzy blanket.

Tea. Because tea solves all problems or nearly does.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

My book

Aside from the blurb I have on this blog I haven't really talked about my book to anyone. I decided it was time to be brave and put it out there, so I submitted it to my publisher and am going to host a title reveal on my main writing blog.

It has been hard for me to promote this book, unlike other books I've written. It was the hardest for me to write, but one I feel is very important to share. I don't know what will happen if it is published but I am willing to trust God with it and go from there.

Saturday, December 1, 2018


Winter is here. Gray days, early nights, and cold. Usually this weather effects my depression and makes it worse but this year has been the opposite. I feel happier now than I did all summer. Maybe because many changes happened this summer, maybe because - I can only say by God's mercy - I am no longer in a crippling bought of depression. 

I cannot explain depression and why it sometimes goes and comes. (Unless that has something to do with the bi-polar tendencies). I know all the technical side effects, how the chemicals in my brain are unbalanced and when I'm not on medication there's nothing to adjust that balance. But that I only know from what the doctors tell me. That doesn't mean I fully understand it.

The only parts I really understand is my lack of will to do anything when it hits. How I loose interest in things I enjoy normally. How I just sit for hours and stare off into space, unable to get my mind working. How I want to learn to fight it and control it but each time I try I seem to fail. And how wonderful I feel when the bought passes and I can feel like a normal human being again.

I was always taught that good Christians shouldn't be depressed. That if one was depressed it meant they'd given up all trust in God. I still struggle with this lie and truth and am learning what exactly it means to be a Christian with depression. I do know one thing, even when I'm at my worse my trust in a Heavenly Creator who is there for me never fully goes away. God is the one thing I can cling to when all else fails me. And I am reassured each time I cannot drag myself to pick up a pen and write or do whatever else I enjoy, that God will be beside me through it all and get me to the other end.

Saturday, November 17, 2018


Time has again passed. Summer is now Autumn and is turning into Winter. As such, life has taken changes as well.

I have set up this blog with the eventual intention of helping others in need. I still wish to go about this goal, but I have not really put myself out there to do so. I have hidden away on this little corner of the internet and not ventured out of my comfort zone.

I know what the first steps would be to put myself out there more but to do so is hard. There is so much I face still, low self esteem, guilt, and a number of other issues, that to let people see my story is frightening.

Yet, I feel God has called me to this, even though I don't fully understand what it looks like. But here I go, and we will see where God leads me.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Opening up

Sometimes I wonder why I write. I know it is part a coping tactic, a way for me to deal with the many issues I am trying to work through. But the longer I write, and the different books and characters I create, I start to realize it gives me a way to understand suffering.

I'm not sure how to explain this, it is something I am just beginning to understand, and realized it even more today when I opened up my book to edit and scanned a few pages.

In the book Jared confronts Adam, asking him how long he plans to hide his pain, if he is going to hide it until it destroys him and everyone he loves.

I realized I have been dealing with everything the same way Adam has. By hiding it and just pushing through each day. But I am reaching a breaking point, where I don't want to go on.

I am often ashamed of myself for feeling like I want to give up and therefore have kept it a secret for many years. After a really rough month it hit me how I bottled everything up until I broke and how I would never get better if I didn't start to let some of it out. This realization also helped because I had a friend encouraging me to stop keeping everything to myself.

I still haven't reached the point of being open, but I have been journaling my thoughts and for me that is a huge step. To admit to myself I have these problems is new for me and difficult. It also helps that I have such a loving, understanding best friend who has promised over and over to always be at my side.

The point of this post, I suppose, is to take advice I struggle taking. If you are going through something terrible, don't hide it away, reach out for help, be open, and let others in. Even if you're like me and have terrible trust issues.

Sunday, January 14, 2018



I pulled out my book last night and realized I feel ready to share it. So I am looking for one or two beta readers. Is anyone interested? It is the Through a Glass Darkly book.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Bring me Giants

I was talking to my mom the other day when she mentioned something about facing my giants. It made me think of a song sung by James Barbor called Bring me Giants. It seemed to fit me better than just facing giants. I want my giants brought to me so I can fight them and finally be freed from them.