Sometimes I wonder why I write. I know it is part a coping tactic, a way for me to deal with the many issues I am trying to work through. But the longer I write, and the different books and characters I create, I start to realize it gives me a way to understand suffering.
I'm not sure how to explain this, it is something I am just beginning to understand, and realized it even more today when I opened up my book to edit and scanned a few pages.
In the book Jared confronts Adam, asking him how long he plans to hide his pain, if he is going to hide it until it destroys him and everyone he loves.
I realized I have been dealing with everything the same way Adam has. By hiding it and just pushing through each day. But I am reaching a breaking point, where I don't want to go on.
I am often ashamed of myself for feeling like I want to give up and therefore have kept it a secret for many years. After a really rough month it hit me how I bottled everything up until I broke and how I would never get better if I didn't start to let some of it out. This realization also helped because I had a friend encouraging me to stop keeping everything to myself.
I still haven't reached the point of being open, but I have been journaling my thoughts and for me that is a huge step. To admit to myself I have these problems is new for me and difficult. It also helps that I have such a loving, understanding best friend who has promised over and over to always be at my side.
The point of this post, I suppose, is to take advice I struggle taking. If you are going through something terrible, don't hide it away, reach out for help, be open, and let others in. Even if you're like me and have terrible trust issues.